News
Loose Talk by Les Cowan
12/02/2010 08:40:00
Decapitate Peter, Electrocute Paul ...
WE are currently suffering from a plague of flies. When you're shivering under a blanket of snow - however deep and crisp and even - you long for a couple of flies as an indicator of warming - if not global at least in the living room. But though a couple of flies might not be so bad, plagues of them are almost always unwelcome. True in Egypt and true here and now. So, a middle aged man's mind turns to thoughts of flyecide. But how?
I'd like to say no flies were hurt in the writing of this column but
I'm hoping it won't be true. Whatever works is good. Electrocuted,
squashed, poisoned, paralysed, blown up, ripped apart, starved to
death, drowned or decapitated. It probably doesn't make much difference
to flykind and it certainly makes no difference to me.
Flies will die - with a bit of luck. Only effectiveness and speed of
delivery are at issue. It's the Cowan lunch at stake here, not insect
welfare.
So, method one - no doubt something you've tried yourself at home. Creep up behind them palm open.
Gently move in the for kill. Wait till you can see the blacks of their
eyes. Then ... Strike! Dag nab it - fly boy escapes to land one more
time on the cold chicken salad. OK, tactic two. Same as tactic one but
with a newspaper. Maybe it was the proximity of warm human flesh that
gave the game away. I'm using an international copy of the Daily Mail
to avoid any possibility of warmth. Yes! Yes! No! No! No! Some success
but still an inadequate hit rate. Back to the drawing board.
Now what was it my late father-in-law used with such devastating
effectiveness? Ah yes. Rubber bands. A quick trip to the stationary
supplies drawer and I'm all tooled up. Lock and Load. All Right. Here
we go.
Mistaking myself for one of the Rubber Band of Brothers I get the
mother and father of all elastic weaponry out and load up. Actually
it's harder than you think. You have to draw said band back against a
fingernail then bend the finger to the right angle, otherwise the band
shoots off at too high an angle and only has the slimmest chance of
knocking off a fly on the ceiling not the intended victim at all. This
would be OK as a dead fly is a dead fly wherever but since the odds are
so poor, it's probably still not on. Anyway - back at rubber band HQ,
we mount our weapon, cock the aiming mechanism - in this case my left
thumb - and let fly (as it were). Dang. Fly - 1 Rubber Band Artillery -
Nil. Then I remember wife's father had a specially constructed
launching mechanism (a stick) and a bag of specially specified
ammunition that came with it. That might be it. Or he might have just
had more practice. Or was naturally better at it. I try a few more
times but without success. Flies are harassed but not enough to move on
as migrants in fear of their lives.
So what now? Brute force proves inadequate so - it's time for brains.
No contest (we hope). Quiet at the back. Let's analyse the problem.
Flies are landing on my lunch. This is not an acceptable situation.
Could we not use this fly behaviour against them like Steven Seagal
whirling baddies through plate glass windows by subtly diverting their
furious charges with an Aikido sidestep. Perhaps I could make my
chicken salad poisonous to flies? That might work but could also run
the risk of collateral damage to Coalition Forces - the so badly
misnamed 'friendly fire'.
Well what about if we could entice the flies to nibble on something
tasty but deadly that we are not about to eat? Like girls who get rid
of unwanted suitors by palming them off on a friend who goes for
anything in trousers but leaves them wishing they'd stayed in the watch
Top of the Pops or wash their hair. Anyone who has ever eaten outdoors
knows, flies love jam. Spread some best strawberry on your pancake and
it instantly sends out enticing messages stronger than the sight of an
overweight celebrity to a Heat magazine photographer. Flies land on
jam, get stuck, remain struggling vainly but unnoticed by picnickers
until eaten.
Right on! We've got a jar of apricot jelly bought in a moment of
weakness when I was fruitlessly looking for marmalade. Not perfect but
worth trying. I liberally smear a side plate and position it directly
across the final approach flight path. And wait. Flies are landing on
my arm, my hand, my elbow, my knee. Even my face. But not on the
apricot stuff. Perhaps if I spread apricot goo all over my arm, hand,
elbow, knee and face ...
Anyway, while I'm obsessing about flies and about to go for the Hoover,
I have a quick look at the BBC website. News about Haiti is coming in.
A magnitude 7 quake has just hit followed by aftershocks. The Red Cross
says up to 3 million people may be affected. The confirmed death toll
has risen above 150,000 in the Port-au-Prince area alone with many more
bodies uncounted under rubble. An estimated 1.5 million people have
been left homeless.
Kind of changes your perspective …